我真的很想开开心心过日子， 像别人笑那样笑， 像别人哭那样哭， 我连哭都压抑着....

I dunno i will scare how many ppl after this......

Sleep alot these two days....
Going to selayang these two days...
Dunno what happen today...
Erm...
Hard to explain...
My mood wasn't that bad...
Because we are handling my grandpa funeral matter recently...
and also because we didnt know where he had been buried...
so, we had to find his place using a different way...
and we also ask about our family Fengshui...
She's someone who can tell something that we never told her, anything, everything about our family... That make me really believe in her words. I was crying when she mentioned about my uncle.... and my grandma, and my grandpa...

I just know that my grandpa die when he's working, hit by wood/ tree, heavy head bleeding til death.... and no one knows when the accident happened. My mum never mentioned this to me... maybe i never ask about this so she din tell me... And his body was cincai buried at some place which near to wood and sea or some place similar to swamp... becoz all my aunts are very small that time, my grandma was taking care three of them so hard.. no money i think.

Our family fengshui not too good, becoz my grandpa's funeral was not arranged and settled properly... becoz after my grandma passed away, after that, my uncle, two of my aunties, two of my cousin brother-in-law passed away, can say it just happened suddenly.

You know why suddenly we handling the funeral stuff?

I think its because of me.

I dunno why suddenly ask about my mum's kampung few months ago... that time just wanna go there see see the place where my mum grew up... Then i found that the place shud be Kampung Teluk Rhu, small village i guess.

Then, remember i go ask someone (问神占卜) about my future? My mum also ask about herself at that time... she was told that her side family fengshui was affected badly because of my grandpa matter. Guess that i m the key to open all these doors... but i feel not very well when i saw my mum worried this worried that.... i also feel pressured....

Why i cry? I feel collapsed when i heard about those history. My grandpa die becoz of working.... My grandma carried three daughters, and adopted one daughter after nine years and one son after another ten years. I started to cry when heard about my uncle story. Yes. His leaving has leave a great impact to me. Perhaps ppl around me may doubt about that... or someone might say, got that sad meh? He's that close to you meh (in term of relationship)? His leaving shadowed me, 我不知道我为什么那么执著， 真的无法理解， 最近的我， 近来的我， 是怎么了.... 我是真的很想忘掉， 不再想， 我真的很想开开心心过日子， 像别人笑那样笑， 像别人哭那样哭， 我连哭都压抑着.... 虽然说一年了 我开心的时侯会想到他 我难过的时侯更是会想起他

我听到那个人说 "他在哭 担心他那三个孩子 我啊嬷也在哭 因为三个孩子相继离开了人世 我外公的尸骸浸在水里..." my heart was very painful... til dying.... how can my family life that miserable... my heart was tearing that time.... they also tear me apart that time... I am really sorry for thinking of you, only now...

When i recall the memory about my uncle, he told me before, "please dun forget me oh, when u banyak cari wang nanti..." in a way of joking. That time, my sister and i accompany him to SJMC for body checkup....i think it was three weeks before he passed away... He's really ok and still very stubborn head that time =) i still remember that. He still can buy jagung to eat after colonoscopy... he dun want stay in the hospital and go home driving himself after the anaesthesia effect gone off... for sure we follow his car until he reached home... he bought us jagung too... Is that the very last time i saw him? I cannot remember already. Perhaps i purposely forget those things... I think i really feel guilty when i din pass 3.0.... until now... 还是感觉到很难过， 很自卑很自责， 我过不了3.0.... 不只是他，也对不起我哥哥。 我其实不是怕我哥， 我是有敬畏他的那种感觉， 他一直在我差不多要堕落，掉落无尽深渊的时侯， 扶我起来。我自卑不是我比不上别人， 比别人差， 我自卑， 是因为我达不到我自己的要求 我做不到 因为我毅力不够 很多次都这样吧 关键时刻 老天总会给我一个这么奇怪又突然的考验 不过我不会认命吧! No matter how or what makes me fall down, i will get up, by myself.... 我说我哥哥很厉害 不是瞎说的 他， 不算聪明，[有时还很笨] 不过他要做到的事， 一定可以做到的！ 这个我很佩服他。

What i was afraid in the movie Departures? The time when the uncle ON the fire switch to burn the body... The sound when the strong fire come out... unforgettable... I think i shudn't go in that time.... but now i m ok dy... guess so... I hope everything will be okay, after all those matters were settled, I just hope they will rest in peace... everyone is ok.... no more worries.... the only thing i ask for.

My cousin make me recalled my uncle alot! His look, his way of talking, his personality, his characteristic.... Guess that He will happy and feel peace if his sons, daughters and wife all doing well =) Don't worry, we'll always stay together, we'll try our best to do that, live our life peacefully....