I feel that my body, muscle, joint are pain, even some part of my facial muscle. Is that a signal, indicate i m getting weaker, and nearly get sick? I feel that my body has been broken into many many parts, no connection. My eyes... cannot focus.
My father side family history and background very complicated one. Today i suddenly ask about all those happy and not happy things in my big family. Family business, animal farm+butcher+selling pork. Now just left my uncle doing this business, but no more farm. I think our family is famous for pork business. I think so. Cuz everyone know my grandfather in teluk intan. Although i dunno him. I think I never see him before. I also just realize that my grandmother was a diabetic patient. No wonder the food we eat very veggie, very sweetless... May be just a habit we keep since childhood.
And my mum side, which is fisherwoman life, not go out to sea, but catch crab, kerang, all those things la. Some of my auntie go to sea along w our relative, and they just ard 6 to 7 years old. Very tough life. My ah Ma also walk a long long way to sell or exchange those kerang, crab, from morning til night. She's very kuat. She's great and very hardworking. She want her daughters and son live better. My mum and my uncle are adopted by her. She's very kind and helpful throughout her whole life. I really know how the life is tough from their stories. All the members there thrive for life. I feel very sad when hearing that, feel wanna cry. Touching of mother's love from my ah ma. Sad when know they kerja dgn very susah for living.
And i also told my mum about what i like and dun like. Told her i dun really very like what i've studied in the previous three years. Told her that i want join kitchen crew learn cooking, i want to become volunteer worker, i interested in going oversea to feel real life, what will i do if i dun have money to eat, what will i do if i dun have place to sleep. I feel that i dun know how to treasure the things i have owned now. Dunno how precious, dun understand how blissful is my life now. What my life destined to be? What i want? U know what always in my mind when someone ask me what's your dream? I want my family stay well, healthy, happy, and dun worry about me. Then, do what i wanted to, when i am ready then, just think of helping. I realize that helping not just saying, there is a responsible, there is many many things u need to bear with, what way are u trying to help, what can u do to help.
We also talk about my frens in school. I dunno why, when i told her abt sheling's family, my feeling seems complicated. I thought i won't be like this anymore. I thought i won't feel sad anymore. I din told her last year, cuz that time is a very hard time for my mum, my uncle passed away.
I share my problem out face to face, i cry. Very weak leh. I thought i m tough person, but not exactly lo. Anyway, dun think too much anymore. Dun want make my life miserable, susah sangat! Dun want dun want anymore! Leave me~ Alone!
Must Cheer~ again!! I think I need some time. Just try whatever i can to relax, become no more nervous.
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